How many miles to Durham town?

How many miles to Durham town?

Two hundred plus two score and ten

Can Dom get there by candlelight?

Seems he thinks he can.

Will Boris look the other way?

Yes, they’ve got his back.

His heels are nimble

his toes are light

It won’t get him the sack.

Rules are meant for other folk

Rules aren’t meant for him

He can travel wherever he wants

You can’t see your gran.

Spread the virus seems he can

Up and back again

How many miles to Durham Town?

Two hundred plus two score and ten.

Pussy isn’t well

Ding dong bell

pussy isn’t well.

Who made her ill

track and trace to tell.

Ding dong bell

Pussy isn’t well

Where’s pussy been?

Who’s pussy seen?

She ate all the mice

in the farmer’s barn

Never did no one

any harm.

Now she’s not well

sad tale to tell

Who was the one?

Who passed it on?

Ding dong bell

Who made her ill.

Pussy isn’t well

Track and trace to tell.

If you want to visit gran

Seems like you can ride a bike

Even drive a vehicle

But if you go and visit gran

Pop goes the weasel!

You can play a round of golf

Visit garden centres

But take the kids to see their gran

Pop goes the weasel!

See your friends out in the park

Only one not several

But leave your granny well alone

Or pop goes the weasel.

Fine for kids to go to school

Back to work for workers

You can have a cleaner round

But stay out granny’s garden.

Half a pound of tuppenny rice

Half a pound of treacle

That’s the way the money goes

Pop goes the weasel.

Poor Bo Peep

Little Bo Peep
has lost her youth
her best years
are confounded.

She’s all alone
stuck in at home
and can’t get out
to party.

How will love come
to one so alone?
She doesn’t know
where she’ll find it.

She’ll sit on her own
Call friends on her phone
But all of her dreams
are thwarted.

She’ll leave them alone
till better days come
and the bad days
will be well behind her.

Sad King Cole

Old King Cole

was a merry old soul

the lockdown didn’t suit him.

If this carries on,

thought the merry old soul

they might as well just shoot him.

He called for his pipe

he called for his bowl

but somehow

they didn’t console him.

Where are my fiddlers

fiddlers three

music, laughter dancing?

Strike up a fiddle

give me a song

brighten up my day.

How much longer will it be

that this thing still goes on?

I’d like to wake up

have the whole thing gone

and find it all a dream!

Humpty Dumpty Fell Off A Wall

Any resemblance to recent events is unintended and purely coincidental.

Humpty Dumpty
fell off a wall
The King and his men
weren’t happy at all.

There’s too many falling
Too many ill
The numbers are rising
They’re going up still.

All the Kings horses
and all the Kings men
Couldn’t get numbers
To come down again.

There’s too many poorly
And flat on their back
It’s clearly a problem
We’ll just have to crack.

But the King said it’s simple
Here’s what we must do
Nothing gets done
If it’s left up to you.

The numbers keep rising
Because you will count
If you stop counting
The numbers won’t mount.

If Humpty’s still broken
We’ll just look away
If nobody sees
Then there’s nothing to say.

Four and twenty Londoners crammed in a Pie

Workers in U.K. have been advised to get back to work if they can’t work at home but to avoid public transport; contradictory advice if you live or work in a big city like London, so the result has been predictable, packed tubes and buses.

Sing a song of sixpence

Whose scared to die?

Four and twenty Londoners

Crammed in a Pie.


When the pie was opened

They all began to sing—

It’s the perfect petri dish

To catch a virus in.


The king is in his counting house

Disinfecting money,

The queen avoids the London bus

Though she needs some honey.


The maid is on the underground

Covering up her face

Along comes the virus

She’s another case.


Sing a song of sixpence,

Who wants to die?

Four and twenty Londoners

Baked in a pie.


When the pie is opened

They all begin to sing—

Isn’t that a dainty dish

To set before the king?



Changing Guard at Buckingham Palace

They’re changing guard at Buckingham Palace

Christopher Robin can’t go says Alice

They’ve furloughed all the Coldstream Guards

A soldiers life is terribly hard

says Alice.

They’re changing guard at Buckingham Palace

Christopher Robin can’t go with Alice

A soldier has to be very alert

to stop the virus from being caught

says Alice.

They’re changing guard at Buckingham Palace

Christopher Robin can’t go with Alice

They socially distanced all the bands

A sergeant checks they wash their hands

says Alice.

They’re changing guard at Buckingham Palace

Christopher Robin can’t go with Alice

They can’t have parties in the grounds

friends and neighbours can’t come round

says Alice.

They’re changing guard at Buckingham Palace

Christopher Robin can’t go with Alice.

A face looked out but it wasn’t the Queen’s

She has to shelter so it seems

thinks Alice.

They’re changing guard at Buckingham Palace

Christopher Robin can’t go with Alice

Do you think the Queen is bored like us?

Don’t suppose she makes a fuss.

says Alice.

Hey Diddle, Diddle

Hey diddle, diddle

why did you fiddle

and not make the lockdown begin?

The little dog laughs

to see such things

and the dish says the deaths are a sin.


Hey diddle, diddle

you’re fit as a fiddle

surely it won’t affect you?

But now the man’s caught it

who shook hands and snorted

so who’ll tell us now what to do?


Hey diddle, diddle

the figures are fiddled

the cow says we’ll flatten the curve.

We’re doing just great

or so they all state

but some say they’re not reassured.


Hey diddle, diddle

the cat and the fiddle

Grandad died in a home.

If they’re old they don’t count

so the figures don’t mount

and the dish runs away with the spoon.


Hey diddle, diddle

the deaths are a riddle

seems like ours are the worst.

But you can’t blame our man

does the best that he can

we’ll just blame his critics of course.



Socially Distanced VE Day

Grab a stranger by the hand

paddle in a fountain

that’s the way to celebrate

be a happy nation.


Trestle tables down the street

party with the neighbours

heaven knows they endured

quite enough privation.


Hug the nearest one you can

cuddle with a sailor

dancing in the city streets

proper celebration.


Now we all remember them

sitting in our garden

maybe all go out the front

social isolation.


Raise a glass then if you can

to a distant neighbour

one day we will dance again

be a happier nation.


Up and down the City road,

In and out the Eagle,

all the pubs will open up,

be a celebration.