Twinkle, twinkle would be stars

Tᴡɪɴᴋʟᴇ, twinkle, would be stars,

There are no gigs they closed the bars

Twinkle, twinkle, no nights out

Tough for comics there’s no doubt.

When the pubs and clubs are shut

There are no gigs, there’s no stand up

Nowhere you can raise a laugh,

Lead us up a giggly path.

Not that we don’t need a laugh

A glint of humour, tiny spark,

A hint of how things used to be,

The ‘funny side’ we have to see.

Meanwhile prisoned in your room

You struggle for a laugh on zoom

And wryly through the curtains peep

To see the world gone quiet, asleep.

It’s your bright and hard won laugh

Lights an audience in the dark,

Tho’ I know not where you are,

Come back soon oh little star.

The primary source of income for every comedian in the UK has been stripped away due to the impact of the Coronavirus – shutting down venues and cancelling live events. If you value live comedy as much as we do at NextUp and respect the performers who dedicate their lives to bringing us laughter – let’s band together and #hecklethevirus.

All funds raised will go to comedians in urgent need of financial support. Every donation (however small) matters and is really appreciated. – The NextUp Team

#hecklethevirus

This is one of the many #hecklethevirus initiatives setup by NextUp to help support and utilise live comedy during Coronovirus. We’ll also be streaming special gigs and doing everything in our power to help keep the circuit going and bring live comedy to the masses when people need it the most. Keep an eye on hecklethevirus.com to stay up to date.

When shall we three meet again?

When shall we three meet again

carefully social distancing?

When the hurley burley’s done

And when ‘R’ is less than one.

Where the place? On the heath?

What of thunder, lightening, rain?

Can’t we meet inside again?

It’s not safe to be indoors

Lest we meet with covered face

Mask upon that nose of yours.

Double, double, toil and trouble

Fire burn and cauldron bubble

See what happens if I cough

Folk can’t scatter fast enough!

Fillet of a fenny snake

In the cauldron boil and bake

Works much better than the bleach

Orange fella’s bad mistake.

Eye of newt and tongue of frog

Wool of bat and tongue of dog.

For a charm of powerful trouble

Watch my Wuhan hell broth bubble.

We’d have conjured far more deaths

If not for the nhs

Saved the skin of that Macbeth

Stayed at home escaping us.

Old Folks Demo

There ought to be an old folks’ demo

Gather, Piccadilly Square

Pull down Eros Statue

Eternal Youth, oh yeah??!!

Who got dumped in care homes

To ‘save the nhs’?

They were just ‘bed blockers

Discharged got no tests.

Left there with their carers

No proper PPE

ICU won’t take them

Have to keep those beds free.

Let’s delay the lockdown

‘Herd immunity’

Only old folk dieing

That’s OK you see.

So pack out Piccadilly

Cram all the old folks in

May just spread the virus

But a cause worth gathering.

We blind mice

We blind mice. See how we run.

We’re all ignoring Boris advice

He cut off his nose with a carving knife

They don’t seem to care, so why should we?

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

We’re tired of following Boris advice

Better to party, gather outside

‘If it’s ok for Cummings it’s ok for me’

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

The sun is shining make for the coast

We think it’s all over, lockdown is toast

‘We’re young, we’re British makes us immune’

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

Forget being shielded, you can come out

It’s not like there’s still a virus about

‘Rubbish to think it ended too soon’.

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

Don’t think it’s safe for kiddies at school

‘But hey family party, that’ll be cool’

‘Stayed home and clapped but now we are bored’.

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

We’re young we’re British out and brave

Rubbish to talk of a second wave

Roll on summer and going abroad

We blind mice.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Where have you been?

Stuck home in lockdown

glued to a screen.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

What did you see?

Much too much netflix

Endless TV.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Are you still there?

Pretty much yes

Still stuck in a chair.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

What happens next?

Getting out soon

They’ve developed a test.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Will normal resume?

Not sure it will yet

Not any time soon.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Any regrets?

How can there not be?

Too many deaths.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

They did their best

Then how come our death rate

Is worse than the rest?

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

What can I say?

The truth will out one day

and someone will pay.

Poor Old Michael Finnegan

There was an old man called Michael Finn-egan,

He wore a mask upon his chin-igan,

Someone sneezed and made him ill again

Poor old Michael Finnegan Begin-again.

There was an old man called Michael Finn-egan,

He kicked up an awful din-igan.

Said there was no social distanc-in

Poor old Michael Finnegan. Begin-again.

There was an old man called Michael Finn-egan,

Exercised and tried to win again.

Got so puffed he had to come in again.

Poor old Michael Finnegan. Begin-again.

There was an old man called Michael Finnegan,

Stayed inside a drinking gin again.

Couldn’t work or earn his tin again

Poor old Michael Finnegan. Begin again.

There was an old man called Michael Finnegan,

Policeman asked where he had been again.

He said Durham there and back again,

Poor old Michael Finnegan. Begin again.

There was an old man called Michael Finn-egan,

Went to the beach to see the sea again

Caught the sun and burned his skin-igan,

Poor old Michael Finnegan. Begin-again.

There was an old man called Michael Finn-egan,

He got a cough and was really ill again.

Couldn’t taste a bloomin’ thing again.

Poor old Michael Finnegan. Begin again.

Goosey goosey gander

Goosey goosey gander,

Got you on a tracker

Wither will you wander?

Who will you meet?

Goosey goosey gander

What if you philander

In my lady’s chamber

Where you shouldn’t be?

Goosey goosey gander

Wither will you wander

Upstairs, downstairs

Where you shouldn’t go?

Goosey, goosey gander

Who do you think you’ll meet?

If you meet an old man

He’ll not have a prayer

Take him by the left leg

And throw him down the stair.

Simple Simon met Dom Cummings

Simple Simon met Dom Cummings

on a thoroughfare

Said Simple Simon to Dom Cummings

‘Sir this isn’t fair’.

Said Dom Cummings to Simple Simon

Your questions are too many.

Said Simple Simon to Dom Cummings

Indeed I’ve not asked any.

Said Simple Simon to Dom Cummings

What must we all do?

Says Dom Cummings to Simple Simon

Just obey the rule.

Said Simple Simon to Dom Cummings

I’ll just do as you do.

Says Dom Cummings to Simple Simon

There’s different rules for you.

Said Simple Simon to Dom Cummings

That doesn’t sound too fair.

Said Dom Cummings to Simple Simon

We don’t really care.

How many miles to Durham town?

How many miles to Durham town?

Two hundred plus two score and ten

Can Dom get there by candlelight?

Seems he thinks he can.

Will Boris look the other way?

Yes, they’ve got his back.

His heels are nimble

his toes are light

It won’t get him the sack.

Rules are meant for other folk

Rules aren’t meant for him

He can travel wherever he wants

You can’t see your gran.

Spread the virus seems he can

Up and back again

How many miles to Durham Town?

Two hundred plus two score and ten.

Pussy isn’t well

Ding dong bell

pussy isn’t well.

Who made her ill

track and trace to tell.

Ding dong bell

Pussy isn’t well

Where’s pussy been?

Who’s pussy seen?

She ate all the mice

in the farmer’s barn

Never did no one

any harm.

Now she’s not well

sad tale to tell

Who was the one?

Who passed it on?

Ding dong bell

Who made her ill.

Pussy isn’t well

Track and trace to tell.