A Job Offer from Buckingham Palace!

I’ve finally had a job offer from Buckingham Palace! I’m a little surprised and confused because it’s not quite the job I’d hoped for. You’ll know I hope that I have offered myself as the next Poet Laureate. Sadly there has been no news on that front but another opportunity has come up.

I’ve received correspondence, via an agency I forgot I’d ever registered with, offering me a job in ticket sales. Slightly left field but maybe Her Majesty is dropping a hint I need to get a foot in the door and work my way up? I’d have preferred ‘fast track’ given my advanced years but you have to start somewhere. I’ll share the details here in case any one else is interested.

Dear Andrew

We are sending you this mailing because you are registered on the UK’s leading website for over 50s jobseekers.
The Royal Collection Trust has posted a new job opportunity which may be of interest to you.The employers are particularly interested in receiving applications from people aged over 50. The details are shown below.
Please accept our apologies if your experience or interest lies elsewhere. We’ll be sending new opportunities in the next few weeks.

Thank you.
It’s being part of the team who deliver an exceptional visitor experience.
It’s the collaboration and the community spirit. And it’s helping millions enjoy magnificent buildings and beautiful art. 
This is what makes working for Royal Collection Trust so different.
When the doors of Buckingham Palace’s glorious State Rooms are opened to the public each August and September, hundreds of thousands of people come to visit. As part of an outstanding and friendly team, you’ll make their experience special.
Whether you’re selling the ticket that starts it all, making things perfect on the day, or providing the outstanding retail service at the end, you’ll make every visitor feel welcome and valued.
You’ll answer their questions, provide information, and always aim for the highest possible levels of visitor care and security.
About you
Friendly, outgoing and professional, with the ability to communicate well with all kinds of people, you’ll fit right in.
You’re an outstanding team player, cool and calm under pressure, and able to work flexibly and effectively even when things get busy.
For our Retail and Ticket Sales roles, an ability to engage with customers to meet sales targets is important too, as well as numeracy and a good level of computer literacy.
Above all, you know what it takes to create the kind of customer experience that leaves a lasting and positive impression.

This is your opportunity to use your personality and customer service skills to deliver the exceptional.
Royal Collection Trust is committed to equality of opportunity.
The closing date for applications is 23 January 2019.
Pay: £10.55 per hour, plus lunch and training provided

Hours: A minimum of 300 hours for the duration of the contract. You will typically be rostered to work over 4 or 5 days per week, Monday to Sunday, including regular weekends.

Contract: Fixed-term
To see more about this role and Apply please click Here. 

 

 

 

 

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A guest blog from Her Majesty the Queen

It seems that the would be Laureate Mr. Andrew Green was put out that One did not include a ‘shout out’, as he chooses to put it, for his book Begging Your Pardon – Please Can I Be Laureate? in one’s Christmas Message. One has apologised of course but a few words here seemed the least one could do to make up.

2018 has been a year of centenaries. The Royal Air Force celebrated its hundredth anniversary with a memorable fly-past demonstrating a thrilling unity of purpose and execution. We owe them and all our armed services our deepest gratitude and 100 years on from the ending of World War 1 we should not forget the poets who brought the horrors of war to life for us. Who can forget Wilfred Owen who died so tragically days before the armistice? We recall that his mother received the telegram informing her of his death on Armistice Day as the church bells in Shrewsbury were ringing out in celebration of the wars end. One likes poetry and will be putting in a word for Mr. Green to be the next Poet Laureate. It would be handy for one with him living so close to Windsor. One’s there most week-ends and never knows when a quick couplet might be called for.

It has been a busy year for my family. With two weddings and two babies and another child expected soon. I loved Mr. Green’s poem for Harry and Meghan’s wedding though it was a little disrespectful here and there and I have warned him to pull his socks off. We don’t do the ‘off with his head’ bit any more but we still have standards. Harry enjoyed it but we know about his sense of humour and the trouble it gets him into. Meghan wasn’t awfully sure; a bit to British for her one expects.

It all helps to keep a grandmother well occupied. We have had other celebrations too, including the 70th birthday of the Prince of Wales. I forgot to buy him a card and have heard about nothing else all year. Charles thinks one is becoming forgetful and should think of retiring.

Some cultures believe a long life brings wisdom. I’d like to think so. Perhaps, part of that wisdom is to recognize some of life’s baffling paradoxes such as why everything one enjoys eating or drinking is so bad for one. One has eaten so much this Christmas and would like to go on a diet in the New Year but all the beastly banquets make that so difficult for one.

In April the Commonwealth Heads of Government met in London. My father welcomed just eight countries to the first such meetings in 1948. Now, the Commonwealth includes 53 countries with 2.4 billion people, a third of the world’s population. Its strength lies in the bonds of affection it promotes and a common desire to live in a better, more peaceful world. It’s important to build friendships around the world especially when we are struggling to get on with the neighbours.

One’s nervous of mentioning the Brexit thing, every one gets so cross with each other’s and one’s running out of relatives one can marry off to take people’s mind off it.

Even with the most deeply held differences, treating the other person with respect and as a fellow human being is always a good first step towards greater understanding. Indeed the Commonwealth Games held this year on Australia’s Gold Coast are known universally as the friendly games because of their emphasis on good will, mutual respect and not inviting the Americans, Chinese or European’s. We send four British teams instead of one and win stacks more medals than we would otherwise. We love it.

The Christmas story retains its appeal since it doesn’t provide theoretical explanations for the puzzles of life. Instead, it’s about the birth of a child, and the hope that birth 2,000 years ago, brought to the world. Only a few people acknowledged Jesus when he was born; now billions follow him. I believe his message of peace on earth and goodwill to all and unexpected success is never out of date. It can be heeded by everyone; not least obscure poets!!

A very happy Christmasto you all and may Mr. Green and his poetry thrive in the New Year!

Oh and buy the book or, if one’s to poor, get the kindle version.

Begging Your Pardon – Please Can I Be Laureate?

My new book ‘Begging Your Pardon – Please Can I Be Laureate?’ is a humorous collection of royal poems pushing the merits of a local Laureate who could pop round to the Castle with a poem whenever the occasion demands it. 

The UK’s current Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy will be standing down soon at the end of her ten-year stint. A distinguished committee of experts will be making recommendations for a new Laureate to be appointed from May 2019. Some well known poets have made clear they don’t wish to be considered but I am available and willing and would aim to bring a lighter touch to the role.

I won’t be too disappointed if they go for someone else. My poems are more for fun than to be taken seriously; affectionate but slightly irreverent.

The book is a light hearted look at what it’s like to live as a close neighbour of the royals in an imagined Windsor where locals regularly rub shoulders with royalty. It would make an ideal stocking filler for locals with a sense of humour.

I’m hoping Windsor’s newest residents Harry and Meghan will want a copy as there are several poems about their wedding.

Begging Your Pardon is available now on Amazon as a paperback or for Kindle.

Changing Poets at Buckingham Palace

From an original by A.A. Milne:

They’re changing poets at Buckingham Palace –

Carol Ann Duffy’s passing the chalice

Ten years service enough for one bard.

“A poet’s life is terrible hard,”

Says Alice.

They’re changing poets at Buckingham Palace –

Andrew Green went down with Alice.

We saw a guard in a sentry-box.

“They’re guarding all the poetry books”

Says Alice.

They’re changing poets at Buckingham Palace –

Andrew Green went down with Alice.

We looked for the Queen but she never came.

“Just write her a poem all the same,”

Says Alice.

They’re changing poets at Buckingham Palace –

Andrew Green went down with Alice.

They’ve great big parties inside the grounds.

“I wouldn’t be Queen for a hundred pounds,”

Says Alice.

They’re changing poets at Buckingham Palace –

Andrew Green went down with Alice.

A face looked out, but it wasn’t the Queen’s

“She’s much too busy a-signing things,”

Says Alice.

They’re changing poets at Buckingham Palace –

Andrew Green went down with Alice.

“Do you think the Queen knows all about me?”

“Sure to, dear, but it’s time for tea,”

Says Alice.

Begging Your Pardon – Please Can I Be Laureate? – coming Friday 30th November. Available for pre order on Amazon now.

Ready to go!

I’m pleased to announce that Begging Your Pardon, my tongue in cheek bid to be considered the UK’s next Poet Laureate, is ready for release. The kindle version of ‘Begging Your Pardon – Please  Can I Be Laureate?’ is available for pre order on Amazon.com or Amazon.uk now. The paperback version will be available Friday 30th November just in time for Christmas.

Andrew Green’s new book Begging Your Pardon - Please Can I Be Laureate?
Begging Your Pardon – Please Can I Be Laureate is now available on Amazon.

Begging Your Pardon – is a humorous collection of royal poems pushing the merits of a local poet who could pop round with a poem whenever the occasion demands it. 

The current Poet Laureate Carol Ann Duffy is standing down at the end of her ten year stint and a distinguished committee will be making recommendations for a new Laureate to be appointed in May. Some better known poets have made clear they don’t wish to be considered and have even called for the post to be abolished but I am available and willing and would aim to bring a lighter touch to the role. 

I won’t be too disappointed if they go for someone else. My poems are more fun than to be taken seriously; affectionate but slightly irreverent. There’s a fantasy view of a Windsor where locals regularly bump shoulders with the royals,  a wry look at royal life, such as what happens when they forget to take down the flag and an increasingly desperate correspondence about the Laureate role.

I have been writing poetry for a number of years and won a local competition for my riposte to Sir John Betjeman, ‘Living Breathing Slough’. I mostly writes online and two of my collections have been featured on Wattpad where they have had more than 100,000 reads. My first published work Margaret’s Story was a biography of his mother in verse.




Turning down the Laureate job

When I was sixteen or seventeen I represented my district at cross country running. I wasn’t a great runner, sixth or seventh at best in our school event but no-one else liked cross country so, if you were willing you got in the team.  It was the same with football. I was obsessed with the game but never quite made the first eleven. I was less interested in rugby but they needed fifteen players so I squeaked in. The point is the Poet Laureate gig is taking on a similar slant. My best chance of making the cut is I’m not sure anyone else wants it.

Wendy Cope would be my choice for instance but she made clear last time she didn’t want to be considered and it’s unlikely she’ll change her mind. Given she labelled the  Laureate role ‘an ‘archaic post with ridiculous expectations attached to it’ they probably wouldn’t have her.  She did say the expectations didn’t come from the palace or from Whitehall but from public and the media but I imagine Her Majesty felt a little hurt anyway. Or perhaps she didn’t; I’m not sure whether she’s really a poetry fan or not.

Anyway, that was one would be Laureate who ruled herself out of the running.  Benjamin Zephaniah has been even more adamant, making clear that he has ‘absolutely no interest in the job’. He’d previously turned down an OBE and describes himself as ‘profoundly anti empire’. If that wasn’t clear enough he’s said, ‘I have absolutely no interest in this job. I won’t work for them. They oppress me, they upset me, and they are not worthy.’ So, he has a great CV but you suspect the job interview, should he turn up, wouldn’t go quite as well.

Jackie Kay is already doing the Scottish job and says the ‘Makar’ role (a sillier title still?) means she’ll be too busy. There’s a few who are up for it I’ll maybe write about another time but it starts to sound a bit like the Oscar Wilde thing where you wouldn’t want a Laureate who fancied the job. So maybe, just maybe there’s an outside chance for the likes of me as a sort of compromise candidate more interested in entertainment than high art.

Anyway watch this space for an update on Begging Your Pardon – Please Can I Be Laureate?’img_4799 hot off the presses soon.

 

I’m Prime Minister, get me out of here!

I’ve had a fantastic idea for promoting my new book, ‘Begging Your Pardon – Please Can I Be Laureate?’

If you live in the U.K. you’ll be familiar with the TV show, ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’. The basic premise is a bunch of celebrities get dropped in the Australian jungle for three weeks and are required to carry out disgusting tasks involving snakes, rodents and creepy crawlies. The public get to vote on who gets sent home and the last one still in the jungle is the winner.

It’s usually populated by ‘celebrities’ desperate to be better known or who’s star is fading. Anyway this year’s show is already underway but they usually drop an additional ‘big name’ in when it’s been up and running a few days. There’s lots of speculation about who that might be but, as far as I can tell the gig is still up for grabs.

I figured it would be perfect for pushing ‘Begging Your Pardon’ with huge exposure on prime time television so I let it be known I’d be interested. I’m not a household name just yet but it shouldn’t be a problem because we usually have to google who the celebrities are anyway. A Wikipedia page would help of course. I haven’t got one of those yet but I’m hoping someone might be inspired to do one for me.

Anyway I approached the production company but; and this is strictly hush hush, they’ve approached our Prime Minister Theresa May. She’s tempted apparently. She figures dealing with a den of vipers and various creepy crawlies might be a more attractive prospect than dealing with Cabinet and Her parliamentary colleagues.

So I might have to think of some other way to promote the book. I pity really because a poet appearing on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here would do more to promote the poetry scene in this country than any number of stuffy articles in the Guardian.

Meanwhile I’ve a great plan for bringI guess everyone together and healing recent divisions. I reckon, if I write about the bright future beckoning the country after Brexit, half the country will lap it up and the other half will think I’m being ironic. Something for everyone – can’t fail.