I’d open an emporium for men who hate to shop.

If you were going to open up a shop, what would you sell?

I’d open an emporium

for men who hate to shop.

I haven’t got the detail yet

I need to work it out.

It’d be the kind of place

You’re quickly in and out

Not a place to dither round

You’d just get what you want.

There’d be no special offers

No wretched two for ones

Just simple items clearly priced

And something in each size.

There’d be a ban on coupons

And complicated shops

Just pay for goods, no faffing round

Or else you’ll face a ban.

We’d say please get your money out

Before you reach the till

There’s other folk with more to do

Than waiting behind you.

There’d be a ban on fitting rooms

A man’s life is too short

But maybe space to lounge around

A place of last resort.

There’d have to be a telly

Or somewhere to watch sport.

At very least good wi fi

To check up on the scores.

There’d be strict segregation

With men and women split

So men aren’t asked opinions

When clothes all look the same.

I don’t know how we’d do this

But know it must be done

Women like their shopping

Published by Andrew Green