Twinkle, twinkle would be stars

Tᴡɪɴᴋʟᴇ, twinkle, would be stars,

There’s no gigs they closed the bars

Twinkle, twinkle, no nights out

Tough for comics there’s no doubt.

When the pubs and clubs are shut

There are no gigs, there’s no stand up

Nowhere you can raise a laugh,

Lead us up a giggly path.

Not that we don’t need a laugh

A glint of humour, tiny spark,

A hint of how things used to be,

The ‘funny side’ we have to see.

Meanwhile prisoned in your room

You struggle for a laugh on zoom

And wryly through the curtains peep

To see the world gone quiet, asleep.

It’s your bright and hard won laugh

Lights an audience in the dark,

Tho’ I know not where you are,

Come back soon oh little star.

The primary source of income for every comedian in the UK has been stripped away due to the impact of the Coronavirus – shutting down venues and cancelling live events. If you value live comedy as much as we do at NextUp and respect the performers who dedicate their lives to bringing us laughter – let’s band together and #hecklethevirus.

All funds raised will go to comedians in urgent need of financial support. Every donation (however small) matters and is really appreciated. – The NextUp Team

#hecklethevirus

This is one of the many #hecklethevirus initiatives setup by NextUp to help support and utilise live comedy during Coronovirus. We’ll also be streaming special gigs and doing everything in our power to help keep the circuit going and bring live comedy to the masses when people need it the most. Keep an eye on hecklethevirus.com to stay up to date.

When shall we three meet again?

When shall we three meet again

carefully social distancing?

When the hurley burley’s done

And when ‘R’ is less than one.

Where the place? On the heath?

What of thunder, lightening, rain?

Can’t we meet inside again?

It’s not safe to be indoors

Lest we meet with covered face

Mask upon that nose of yours.

Double, double, toil and trouble

Fire burn and cauldron bubble

See what happens if I cough

Folk can’t scatter fast enough!

Fillet of a fenny snake

In the cauldron boil and bake

Works much better than the bleach

Orange fella’s bad mistake.

Eye of newt and tongue of frog

Wool of bat and tongue of dog.

For a charm of powerful trouble

Watch my Wuhan hell broth bubble.

We’d have conjured far more deaths

If not for the nhs

Saved the skin of that Macbeth

Stayed at home escaping us.

Old Folks Demo

There ought to be an old folks’ demo

Gather, Piccadilly Square

Pull down Eros Statue

Eternal Youth, oh yeah??!!

Who got dumped in care homes

To ‘save the nhs’?

They were just ‘bed blockers

Discharged got no tests.

Left there with their carers

No proper PPE

ICU won’t take them

Have to keep those beds free.

Let’s delay the lockdown

‘Herd immunity’

Only old folk dieing

That’s OK you see.

So pack out Piccadilly

Cram all the old folks in

May just spread the virus

But a cause worth gathering.

Come Blow Your Horn

Little boy blue,

Come blow your horn,

Tell us how wonderfully

Everything’s gone.

There’s sheep in the meadow,

There’s cows in the corn.

Our death toll’s the highest

The problem’s not gone.

There’s chlorine in chickens

There’s hormones in beef

But where is the boy

Who looks after the sheep?

Where is the man

Who will make Britain ‘Great’

He’s under a haystack

fast asleep.

We blind mice

We blind mice. See how we run.

We’re all ignoring Boris advice

He cut off his nose with a carving knife

They don’t seem to care, so why should we?

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

We’re tired of following Boris advice

Better to party, gather outside

‘If it’s ok for Cummings it’s ok for me’

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

The sun is shining make for the coast

We think it’s all over, lockdown is toast

‘We’re young, we’re British makes us immune’

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

Forget being shielded, you can come out

It’s not like there’s still a virus about

‘Rubbish to think it ended too soon’.

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

Don’t think it’s safe for kiddies at school

‘But hey family party, that’ll be cool’

‘Stayed home and clapped but now we are bored’.

We blind mice.

We blind mice, see how we run

We’re young we’re British out and brave

Rubbish to talk of a second wave

Roll on summer and going abroad

We blind mice.

Neither Up Nor Down

The Grand Old Duke of York

saw thirty thousand dead

he hoped that it was the top of the hill

and they’d come straight down again.

And when they went up they went up

and when they went up it was sad.

But when they started down again

He sighed and thought it was good.

And when they were up they were up

But when they were down were they down?

And when they were only half way up

Were they either up or down?

And when they were up we were sad

And when they were down we were glad

But when they were only half way down

We all gave up and relaxed.

The Grand Old Duke of York

Saw thirty thousand dead

And when they reached the foot of the hill

Would they start back up again?

#SecondWave?

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Where have you been?

Stuck home in lockdown

glued to a screen.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

What did you see?

Much too much netflix

Endless TV.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Are you still there?

Pretty much yes

Still stuck in a chair.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

What happens next?

Getting out soon

They’ve developed a test.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Will normal resume?

Not sure it will yet

Not any time soon.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

Any regrets?

How can there not be?

Too many deaths.

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

They did their best

Then how come our death rate

Is worse than the rest?

Pussy Cat, Pussy Cat

What can I say?

The truth will out one day

and someone will pay.

Goosey goosey gander

Goosey goosey gander,

Got you on a tracker

Wither will you wander?

Who will you meet?

Goosey goosey gander

What if you philander

In my lady’s chamber

Where you shouldn’t be?

Goosey goosey gander

Wither will you wander

Upstairs, downstairs

Where you shouldn’t go?

Goosey, goosey gander

Who do you think you’ll meet?

If you meet an old man

He’ll not have a prayer

Take him by the left leg

And throw him down the stair.

They’re opening up the shops

Hickory, dickory, dock.

They’re opening up the shops

The clock struck one

The numbers down

Hickory, dickory, dock.

Hickory, dickory, dock

You can’t see grandma yet

The pubs are closed

You can buy clothes

Hickory, dickory, dock.

Hickory, dickory, dock

You can’t get hair cuts yet

The barber’s closed

But who needs those?

Hickory, dickory, dock.

Hickory, dickory, dock

See strangers in a shop

Can’t go to gran’s

Unless you’re Dom

Hickory, dickory, dock.

Hickory, dickory, dock

Now you can buy a car

Go for a trip

But not to the beach

Hickory, dickory, dock.

Hickory, dickory, dock

Don’t take a ball to the park

You’re fine playing golf

No football allowed

Hickory, dickory, dock.

The mouse

Simple Simon met Dom Cummings